This is what I wrote in the preseason, when I picked the Redskins to win the Superbowl:
"Washington Redskins Strengths: finest head coach & coordinator group in the NFL (Gibbs, Williams, Saunders), running game, man-for-man best skill positions in NFL, aggressive bone-fracturing defense. Weaknesses: new offense, special teams (PK & Punter are atrocious). Variables: QB position, assimilation of new offense."
I stand corrected.
It's time to wash the sheets.
What Went Wrong? The Redskins woes are summed up thusly:
Overrated Anglo-American Redskins strong safety Adam Archuleta has come out of the closet ... with his anger at the Washington coaching staff on December 29th, 2006. Nine months earlier, he signed a seven-year $35 million contract, the richest contract for a safety in NFL history.
He has been benched since the seventh game, replaced by Troy Vincent. And gosh, he is darn peeved, quotably so!
"I'm a grown man. I don't like getting lied to. All people want is for people to be straight up with them. I don't mind bad news. I don't mind negativity. I don't mind if somebody says to my face what my flaws are and what I'm doing wrong and what kind of person they think I am."
Well Adam, I'd be happy to point out your flaws. YOU SUCK! You couldn't cover a lungfish, and your "hard-hitting" ways have resulted in enough missed tackles to fill your mom's huge, wart-filled rectum. Thanks for helping the Redskins lead the league in allowing passes of 20+ yards, highest yards per play, most pass TDs allowed and fewest takeaways in the history of the NFL.
He continues: "A lot of things have been going through my mind. I've pretty much scoured every subject known to man in the last six months of my life, so we'll see."
Wow, every subject known to man? That's impressive. That's really, really impressive. Every subject known to man? That's impressive. You fucking Asshole.
The subject-scourer continues: "I pretty much know what's going on. I pretty much know what it all stems from."
Good job untangling the clues, Poirot. What was the big break in the case? Was it because you've got a $35 million dollar contract and you are 3rd string on the worst defense in the National Football League?
This is Archuleta's girlfriend, Playboy Silicon Model Jennifer Walcott. I've got some bad news for Archuleta. Her Turnoffs are "People who are wasteful and not practical."
I sincerely hope that she gives him AIDS before she dumps him.
Archuleta: "Do I deserve an explanation? I don't know if an explanation matters anymore because what's done is done."
Oh, it's done all right. Highest paid safety in the history of the NFL? Biggest Free Agent Bust Ever. You'll be cut and the Redskins will be brutalized in the salary cap for years and years and years. Go fuck yourself in your scabby ass with a rolled-up magazine, you dried-up douchebag.
Fuck you, Adam Archuleta. Fuck you, Dan Snyder. Fuck you, Vinny Cerrato.
Worst. Season. Ever.
Let us never speak of it again.