Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Tiki Barber Got a Big Ol' Butt, oh Yeah!

C'mon Ya'll--E.U. in the house!

And who told me Tiki had a Big Ol' Butt? Tiki did! On Bravo's classic catfight of a reality TV show, "Project Runway".

Why was Tiki Barber's big old bottom on "Project Runway". Oh, I don't know--have you ever seen him? Immaculately coiffed, pearly white teeth, and fabulous clothes--he's a heterosexual fashion icon. He discussed what he likes in clothes with the designers (fairly conservative, but does enjoy colors, textures and patterns) and challenged them to design him something that he could wear on TV. He complicates matters by not being model dimensions--under 6 feet tall, skinny legs, big butt (he said that at least twice in the 5 minutes he talked).

Disclosure: Yes, I watch Project Runway. Fuck you.

Interesting note. Last week, the surprise guest star was Sarah Jessica Parker, and the designers went ape-shit, especially the gay men. One of them actually started to cry, explaining that "Sex in the City" was the reason he moved to New York City. Upon encountering Tiki Barber, the common reaction seemed to be befuddlement ("I don't know who he is, but he's gorgeous!"). One exception--the straight designer from New Jersey, who was like, "HOLY SHIT. TIKI BARBER! He's one of the best running backs in Giant history!" Oh, and the straight guy from NJ wears facial hair in this fashion. (it's rocker facial hair!?)

So the designers, who usually design for women, had to design for Tiki Barber, who is quite the clotheshorse. This is a challenge, because a beautiful dress can be very simple, but a good looking suit requires lots of stitching, and three separate pieces. And Tiki has very particular tastes.

But he is definitely not gay, even if he is appearing on Project Runway. To drive the point home, Tiki's saucy little Asian wife showed up to look at the preliminary work of the designers. Best moment she had was when she referred to one designer's supposed sleek, casual jacket as a "Member's Only" jacket. Ouch. Hey, why didn't Matthew Broderick show up to evaluate the designs last week? Is it because he has his own job, or maybe because Ms. Parker didn't feel the need to have her obviously opposite-sex spouse on the show? Hmmm.

Regardless, the results of this show were questionable at best. One of the things Tiki liked best was a dark purple ensemble. It was a very polished looking suit. Heidi Klum did not care for it. She said that she wouldn't want to see her husband, Seal, in it. But then she said something that was awesome. With her little Germanic frown she said, "It's more David Beckham than Tiki."

Oh, snap! Take that Becks! When you eventually show up on this show, and you know you will, you make sure Heidi gets an earful. Don't let that bitch say you'd wear something not good enough for Seal. Fuck that! Then again....

In any case, I'd like to throw out an old-school shout-out to Tiki's Big Ol Butt. This is for you, Tiki. Maybe you and Robert Smith can dance to it, and discuss what you meant when you said that you had bigger things to accomplish than just be football players.


Jess said...

Is it wrong that I'm doing Da' Butt in my office?

Anonymous said...

is it wrong that im doing ya'butt in your office?

Jess said...

So very, very wrong.

Big Blue Monkey said...

What sorts of things are happening here?

Anonymous, this isn't one of your den of iniquities.

Muumuuman said...

This anonymous character is some kind of a punk. I prefer Abby Normal.

Andrew Wice said...

All this joking around ... don't you realize our country is at war?

Big Blue Monkey said...

Andrew, you clearly didn't watch the video.

Our right to do Da Butt is what our soldiers are fighting for.

Jess said...


Andrew Wice said...

Oh, I understand now.

We're fighting for doing da butt, but not doing it in da butt.


Big Blue Monkey said...

First of all, not strictly true, Mr. Wice. Heterosexual butt-lovin is very American. Just ask the gals at St. Thomas.

You are exactly right about gay butt sex though. That's unAmerican. But that's mainly because our troops are terrified of the gay menace. The last thing you want for your 100% heterosexual army is for them to feel uncomfortable when they are fighting a ground war.

Honestly, Wice, it's like you don't hear a thing Duncan Hunter says.

Andrew Wice said...

Duncan Hunter? Sounds like the last good cop in a world gone mad, driven by the demons of his past to make things right by any means necessary.

Wait, sorry, that was Brian Bosworth.

Big Blue Monkey said...

are you sure it wasn't Tom Tancredo?