Sunday, December 25, 2011

Oh, Wisconsin: Sensenbrenner Edition

Oh, sure, we've detailed ridiculous Wisconsin behavior before. And maybe, as you've read through those stories, of drunken Santas and Deer Corpse Fuckers and drunken hammer wielding food thieves and mothers stealing their daughter's identity to relive high school and all that shit, you've wondered, "I wonder what kind of people they elect to represent them?"

Of course, you probably know that the Real World Boston cast member/one-time ESPN Outdoor Games commentator Sean Duffy (who I once ran into and pestered at Billy's on Grand. Mostly with the following questions--"So, Montana--what was she like? Bitchy, right? Because I watched your season, and she came off as super-sucky.") is now in the House of Representatives (for now, but with quotes like this--not for long).

But the old man of the GOP in Wisconsin is James Sensenbrenner. He's been around forever. The Democrats in Wisconsin have Milwaukee Bucks owner Herb Kohl (until he retires next year). The Republicans have Sensenbrenner. Both have been in public office for as long as you have been cognizant of Congress (or close to it).

So, what did Representative James Sensenbrenner do to make news this week? Did he help broker the deal that finally got that payroll tax vacation passed? Did he make a courageous stand against the horrible SOPA Bill? Or did he live up to his Wisconsininess, and do something incredibly stupid and wrong-headed, and sit down with a bunch of citizens, and make rude comments about Michelle Obama's ass?

GUESS!  According to one of the people there, this happened:  "He implied that Michelle Obama being interested in childhood obesity was not serious, he sort of made fun of it and then he made fun of her. He said something like, look at her big butt.”

A couple of things here:

1. Thanks to Representative James Sensenbrenner, we can finally have the conversation we, as a nation, have always wanted to have--which First Lady would you most like to tag? To be fair, we'd probably have to exclude Dolley Madison, because we all know she was a tramp who would be down for all sorts of freaky shit, and would run away with the poll.

Image: Portrait of Dolley Madison. White House Collection
dead sexy. 
2. Representative James Sensenbrenner has a bit of a case of Pot-Kettle Syndrome. If the Kettle were a pretty hot, late 40's black woman lawyer and wife of the President, and the Pot was just another fat white dude from Wisconsin.

"Hypocrisy? Is that something I can fry in bacon fat?"

In short, fuck Representative James Sensenbrenner and fuck the horse he rode in on (that died of exhaustion shortly thereafter). Fat jokes are meant to be 1) written by dicks on the Internet and 2) directed at actual fat people, like dudes who have their own lobster bib growing out of their collar. Calling Michelle Obama's ass "large" when you are sitting on the soggy copy of The White Pages that you call your ass? Sir Mix-a-Lot is THIS CLOSE to moving to Wisconsin, establishing residency and taking your job from you.

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