Got Questions About the Steelers? Want a Comic Book Writer To Answer Them?

Jason Aaron, author of many, many books that we love, has agreed to a second interview (first one here), focused on the Steelers and the AFC North. If you have questions you'd like some dude who writes kick-ass comic books to answer, feel free to throw them into the comments below.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Steve Martin!

Quick note: Yes that is Tisha Campbell in the chorus.

Honorary Wisconsite

From Reuters:

"A badger in Germany got so drunk on over-ripe cherries it staggered into the middle of a road and refused to budge, police said Wednesday. A motorist called police near the central town of Goslar to report a dead badger on a road -- only for officers to turn up and discover the animal alive and well, but drunk."

Or as Jess from I Was Told There Would Be Bacon put it, "Drunk Badger, my ass. It's probably just Milhouse."

Early Drafts of George Allen's Book Here

If you are a George Allen news watcher like I am, you have surely heard that the former Governor of Virginia has signed a deal with eminent book publisher Regency. Regency is a well-respected publisher, having midwifed the brain babies of such Idea Uteruses as Bernard Goldberg, Michelle Malkin, Laura Ingraham, Newt Gingrich, Ann Coulter, Paul Corsi, and Ted Nugent.

This is an exciting partnership, but our average sportsreader may wonder why we are covering such an auspicious marriage. We are doing so for two reasons: Governor Allen is bringing his love of sports into the political arena (something we admit we are prone to do on occasion). His book will be called The Triumph of Character: What Washington Can Learn From the World of Sports.

Secondly, using our connections in the publishing world, and the world of Virginia politics, we've been able to get our hands on some early drafts of the book. To be fair, the book isn't due to be published for another year, and there is probably still some polish to be applied to some tarnished prose, but we hope you'll get a flavor of the gist of the taste of the book here. In some cases, we were only allowed to see a paragraph here or there, with some editing marks, but if we may say so, it's coming together quite nicely. We're quite excited to present these squeezings from the mindgrapes of one of the most prominent Virginians ever to be unfairly defeated by Jim Webb (VA Senator--Dem/Socialist). Please, enjoy:

Introduction:

My staff, and my constituents, have always enjoyed the degree to which I use sports metaphors. Some find it helpful, some find it a little confusing, but they always enjoy them. So I will attempt to split the uprights with this book, explaining how sports can teach Washington.

Chapter 1: Running the Ground Game.

A lot of liberals played soccer as kids, and even now, currying favor with the Latinos that will make up their future revolution (as much as I admire the Latinos--it isn't their fault they are being lied to by the likes of Jon Stewart and The Entire Obama Family (I'm looking at you, Sasha)) call their sport "futbol", a clear perversion of our American Football. So while Jon Stewart was playing "futbol" in his Ivory Tower, Multi-Cultural, Elitist William and Mary, I was playing real American Football at the public, egalitarian University of Virginia.

And my lesson from that time is one every Football Coach (including, obviously, my father, NFL Hall of Fame Coach, George Allen) knows--hit the ground running. Run the Ground Game. Do the basics. For example, if you are thinking of being a coach, or a Representative of the People of Your State, consider seriously being the son of a beloved coach. Look at Bobby Bowden, and his kids--Terry, Tommy, and Jeff. They've all had great success, at some point, coaching. If I were looking for a coach, I'd be looking for a guy who had Bowden genes. But don't think that if you are the son of a beloved coach, you have to coach--in fact, I'm living proof that you don't have to go into the family business (which, frankly, is a lot of work). You can also run for Governor, assuming your dad is famous enough. If I were you, and not me, I'd seriously consider being the grandson of Vince Lombardi. In Connecticut, you should be the son of Jim Calhoun. In North Carolina, consider being the son of Dean Smith.

Of course, you don't have to be the son of a famous coach to win an election, but it helps, and if you think you know how to change Washington, when you are just the son of some guy who isn't famous for coaching sports, than you are part of the problem. You should drop out of the race and let either an athlete or his (or, sure, "her") child win. They know better than you. You hear me Jim Webb? Do you fucking hear me?

Chapter Four: Playing Defense

It's a natural part of Washington--the press, you see, are nerds, former and current asthmatics who want nothing more than a chance to either befriend the stud (that's me, and possibly you, reader) or make out with the cheerleader (Marilyn Quayle jumps to mind, but that's just me). If they don't get to do either, those nerds turn into a traitorous bunch, bent on bringing you down to make themselves feel better.

So be prepared--that press corps who worships you is plotting against you. And that's a problem. Just look what happened to me. I was minding my own business, when I accidently used what was an apparently racist word to describe an Indian (Gandhi Indian, not Crazy Horse Indian). I thought I was using a nonsense word to describe him. And suddenly, the press, a School of Nerd Pirahnas, was all over me.

They paid money, I'm sure, to three white former teammates to say that I used the word "nigger" regularly, and that I went out of my way to stuff a dead deer's head into a black person's mailbox. Which is of course silly. How does a Completely Innocent Person defend that? You play defense. And you just hope that the Washington Press Corps learns from its mistakes, and stops publishing stories that are sourced by three different people, and takes its cues from the man in charge, like a sports team would. Hey press corps--we are all on the same team, and that's Team America. When you publish bad stories about me, and allow Closet Sheep-Fuckers like Jim Webb to get elected, you fuck us all like "Senator" Jim Webb would a sheep.

Chapter 10: Conclusions

1. When truly great people are denied Washington, like myself, it is because we were mistreated. When will White Governors who are the sons of Beloved Sports Figures get a Fair Break? WHEN? When will we learn from sports, and judge politicians on my their merits?

2. Speaking of sports, a lot of talk is flying around about baseball stars being juiced. I personally don't believe that great Americans like Mark McGuire or Brady Anderson would ever use drugs to get ahead. Sad to say, but I am quite ready to believe that people like Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Rafael Palmeiro did. Call it a gut feeling. And Barack Obama is the Barry Bonds of politics. He's clearly juiced, politically speaking, and the press is turning a blind eye. And you know what? I'm pretty sure that Jim Webb is literally juiced on roids. Look at that guy! He's way too cut to be natural!

3. Soccer, or "futbol" are Democrats, looking to change our American Way of Football into something with "finesse" and "touch" and "Brazilian free-form". I don't know what that last one means, but based on what Brazilians did to my wife, I want no part on their way of life. Soccer, you see, is a game of the underclass, the immigrant, the dirty, the impure. Mark Sanford went to Argentina to experience that sort of fluid movement of balls, and he hasn't been the same since. I mourn our Conservative Loss. It is a beguiling sort of sport, but it isn't American. Real Americans know what to do with balls--we pass them deep, we dunk them with authority, we hit them sharply to left field; we don't push them around, looking for an opening. American politics needs to learn from American Balls before it sucks on the European/Brazilian ball teat.

In conclusion, Washington needs Legacy Hires. Washington needs a bit of protectionism. Washington needs to be able to cheat. Washington needs to hit balls hard. Washington needs to ignore uppity teammates of color (like Iraq, India, China, Japan, Africa, etc). Washington needs to play to win! If Washington plays to win, it can not lose.

Mariners Host Cheezburger Night Tomorrow

The Mariners are honoring the finest site in the World. Or maybe the site itself has organized this get-together. Oops, clearly the Mariners are behind it, considering the amount of LOLSpeak on their site:

It's a Cheezburger Night wif the Seattle Mariners!!!1! (Safeco Field on Thursday, July 9) Bring awl of ur frends and familee 2 dis fun event. We will haz sum awesum pre-game festivitiez and u can meet sum noo Cheez Frends! And if u buy ur tickets thru dis speshul offer, u git a FREE Cheezburger Nite t-shirt! Woo hoo!!1!! C u awl der!

Here's why I'm bringing this up at all--I'd like that Cheezburger Nite shirt. Make it happen, random occasional reader who lives in Seattle. I'd do it for you, possibly! Do it for the original

LOLCat, who is probably dead by now:

The Game Itself

In this lull before the 2009 NFL season becomes the source of our legends, it is appropriate to look back and give thanks for a great Superbowl 43. A previous post explains how the five-time champion Steelers and never-been Cardinals arrived.

First Quarter
The Steelers got the ball first. Starting on their own 28, they blasted across the field with long passes to WR Ward and TE Miller, landing at Arizona's goal line. They couldn't crack the line so QB Roethlisberger kept the ball around the end and got into the endzone. However, the Cardinals successfully challenged the ruling and the Steelers settled for a short field goal. Five minutes into the opening quarter, the Steelers led 3-0.

The Cardinals got nailed for holding LB Farrior, recovered their own fumble and punted the ball away. The Steelers gouged Arizona's defense with strikes to WR Holmes and TE Miller, who was once again tackled at the one yard line.

Second Quarter
This red zone visit, the Steelers' who-dat RB Gary Russell (2 rushes for -3 yards in the game) smashed in for a TD. Only one minute into the second quarter, the Steelers led 10-0.

Arizona's RB Arrington muffed the kickoff and the Cardinals had to start on their own 17. The towels were twirling most terribly and the game was in danger of becoming a blowout. However, QB Warner moved them down the field with poise. RB James caught passes out of the backfield. Then TE Patrick held LB Farrior and the Cardinals faced a long conversion.

The Steelers brought their safeties in for a kill shot and Warner beat the blitz, connecting with WR Boldin for 45 yards. TE Patrick redeemed himself with a one yard TD catch and the Cardinals fought back to 7-10 with nine minutes left in the half.

The Cardinals defense stiffened and the Steelers punted from their own 32. With good field position, the Cardinals offense imploded in a paroxysm of penalties and timeouts. When Pittsburgh got the ball back, the Arizona defense immediately tipped a pass for an interception by LB Dansby.

At two minutes, the Cardinals had the ball in Steelers territory. WRs Fitzgerald and Boldin chipped them down to the five yard line. The Cardinals took their last timeout with eighteen seconds left. And then NFL defensive player of the year LB Harrison pounced on a pass at the goal line and returned it for a Superbowl-record 100 yards, beating six tackles to score on the last play of the half: the Steelers led 17-7.


Halftime Stats
Pittsburgh Steelers: 158 yards offense
Arizona Cardinals: 102 yards offense, 4 penalties on offense for -40 yards.

Ladies and Gentlemen, P.O.S.!

Minnesota punk-hip-hop. Drumroll!

Hedo Turkoglu Signs 5 Year, $53 Million Deal

Umm, what?

Toronto, you've just signed a 30 year old, not particularly athletic shooter for over $50 MILLION DOLLARS.

Are you planning ahead, and already rubbing your hands in delight when you trade him in four years to a team that needs some cap space, or something? I'm just hearing on ESPN now, from Rick Bucher, that Toronto had the inside pole on Portland, too--his wife likes Toronto, it's more cosmopolitan, it's closer to Turkey, and they only had to pay 2 million more to acquire his services! Awesome. Enjoy 34 year Hedo--you just paid a pant load for that right, four years down the road.

You do know that in just about every category, that last year he far excelled his career averages? Do you think that at age 3o, he just suddenly figured out the NBA, and through his own hard work, added 4 points per game, over 2 assists, and 1 extra board per game? Or do you think maybe his teammates had something to do with that, too? Dwight Howard and Rashard Lewis leap to mind. Do you have guys like that?

I hate to go all Minnesota on you, Toronto, but the Timberwolves have a guy whose career numbers compete with Hedo's career numbers. His name is Ryan Gomes, and he is proof positive that you just massively overpaid.

Consider:

Hedo's career Points Per Game: 12.3

Gomes: 11.6

Hedo 3-pt shooting: .387

Gomes: .357

Hedo's Boards: 4.2

Gomes: 5.3

Hedo's assists: 2.7

Gomes: 1.5

Gomes is 3 years younger. Ryan Gomes signed a contract, last year, that will pay him under $5 million dollars during the 2012-2013 season. That's right about the time you'll be paying Hedo some 12 or 13 million dollars, yes? Apparently, a point a game is worth over $5,000,000 dollars per year. At least in Canada. Let's see--82 games? That works out to about $61,000 for that extra point per game. Nice work, Toronto. Way to play marquee price for a role player.

Twins Lose in 16 Innings; Worth It?

Yes, it was a frustrating loss, after coming back from 6 runs--both bullpens running on vapors, and a particularly boneheaded baserunning decision by Justin Morneau, in which he attempted to advance to third, for no good reason.

But it may have been all worth it, to see Placido Polanco take a foul ball, off his own bat, right in his nuts. No more melon-headed children for you, Polanco!

CBS is run by Old Queens

How else to explain this clip from The New Adventures of Old Christine, in which the fantasy of many heterosexual men, and many a lesbian is dashed upon the rocks of "comedy". C'mon CBS, don't play the kiss between Megan Mullally and Julie Louise Dreyfuss for laughs. Make it passionate. Make it dirty. Let there be the cupping of breast, and ass. Let the brandishing of strapons begin. This clip of a "kiss" insults every single heterosexual male, and every single lesbian female. Way to fuck up the TV equivalent of Bacon, CBS.

Gascoigne Family Is Staying Classy

As previously mentioned, we love former English footballer Paul Gascoigne, even as we have worried quite a bit about his health.

We also know that in Britain, you can become quite famous simply for having large breasts and being willing to display them. Page 3, hurray!

So when I read about some British model with Two Pickets to Tittsburgh who had the last name Gascoigne, I was surely curious. for purely genealogical reasons. Bianca Gascoigne is on your left.

She is Gazza's stepdaughter--he married her mother when she was 10 years old. But it appears, according to youtube, that she learned something from her Step-Papa. Namely, how to fall over drunk in public.

Pitchman from beyond the grave

This site is by no means the most appropriate or proper but even we found this a little distasteful. Last night, before the man is even in the ground, AMC and iCan insurance ran an ad with Billy Mays pitching cheap life insurance, available to you regardless of pre-existing conditions. Conditions like... I dunno... an enlarged, about to explode heart?

Billy trusts iCan for his family's health. Look they're right there trusting him. I hope Billy Jr. is going to get a sweet moped out of the deal.

Confederations Cup Logistical Roundup

Yes, the Confederations Cup is over. Yes, congratulations to Brazil for giving the USA a two goal head start before pummelling them into submission. Believe it or not, on-field performance was not my major concern with the tournament.

You see, as a resident in the glorious R of SA, few conversations go by here that don't stray to our readiness for the World Cup next year. In my worst nightmares, I see the new stadiums falling to pieces under too much strain and vibration, and a line of muggers waiting outside the major airports a la LA Story.

Unfortunately I wasn't around for most of the tournament, but here's what gathered since I got back last week in time to watch the semis and the final.

1. FIFA President Sepp Blatter gave South Africa 7.5/10 for the tournament. Take it for what it's worth.

2. Trust nothing you read on SA's official 2010 website, its sole purpose seems to be leaking government propaganda under the guise of a legitimate news site.

3. Security was a major issue, and was the main reason Blatter marked us down from 10. Not a big surprise seeing as security for the tournament was still up in the air until a few days before the start. Once things got underway the approach taken for games was apparently no where near good enough. My favorite quote from this last article:

"The OC’s Rich Mkhondo has persistently denied any safety breaches and Fifa president Sepp Blatter suggested at a press briefing on Friday that those doubting the effectiveness of security plans were racist."

For those of you not living in South Africa, this is pretty standard argumentation protocol. Here in politics, here in sport, and, oh right, here in the banking sector. Racist players from Brazil and Egypt also reported having their possessions stolen from their hotel rooms.

4. A German journalist died in a car crash. Even though it sounds like the accident didn't involve another car, I've always regarded driving here, especially in Gauteng (the province with most of the confed cup games), as an extreme sport. Potential motoristsneed to be aware that driving here can be particularly dangerous, and it doesn't help when you A) have to drive on the other side of the road and B) need to be able to handle manual transmission, as most rental cars are not automatics.

If I may be a bit cynical, all the stadiums used were upgrades and not from scratch. I still say a prayer every time I go by Green Point stadium. I just hope they've used different companies than the ones who built the gaggle of auto-collapsing shopping malls. But, hey, it's hard to mess up concrete, right? Anyway, the big problem isn't really the stadiums, or even security, it's the OC. Their attitude exhibits a sense of denial that would even make Mohammed al-Sahhaf proud. Read all about it on the aforementioned 2010 website. Hopefully they actually do a proper post-mortem on the confed cup and figure out what went wrong and what still needs to be done from an operational perspective. Otherwise be prepared to have your wallets ready as you exit the terminal.