Thursday, September 07, 2006

Meet Your Contributors

Hey, we've been here for awhile, and now that the Greatest Non-World Cup 3 months of sport are about to happen, we thought it a good time to get to know us, your contributors on I Dislike Your Favorite Team.

Big Blue--Almost exactly what you'd expect from a man whose nom de guerre is stolen from an episode of The Tick (now available on DVD) in which The Tick fights a giant Spanish Sunflower named El Seed. Nerdy, but incredibly powerful. Known to lift small objects right over his head. Once got an offer from the Devil that if he killed a random person he would become the next Paulo Maldini. Agreed in a heartbeat, and then sat around on the couch. He then renegotiated to get 1/10th of Maldini's talent in return for flicking a random dude's ears on the bus. Still stayed on the couch. Also, is a descendant of the Blue People of Appalachia. It is telling that he didn't get his own pun for almost 3 months, despite the Devil hinting at it hard, every 666 minutes.

Miwacar--A time traveling male prostitute from the 32nd century, his love of the Vikings is at least partly explained by the fact that they do win their first Super Bowl in 3167, when Miwacar is just a boy of 10 years old. Considered quite thoughtful and literate by his clan-group of post-nuclear war mutants. Ironically, every member of the Viking Championship team of 3167 is descended from 3 people--Herschel Walker, Oprah Winfrey, and Jimmy the Greek.

Badcock--An experimental 5-year old female chimpanzee located at the National Zoo. In an attempt to curb certain chimp habits, Badcock was given a keyboard, and trained to use that instead of flinging her feces. "badcock" was the first word she typed, which she used to refer to a rotten banana given to her by the staff. Inspired by this metaphorical insight, the staff of the zoo asked us to allow her to post. When you find the imagery a little too spot on, or the humor a little easy, or the grammar a little messy, just keep it mind--she's a chimp.

Muumuuman--A scientician of the highest order. His ability to add up numbers had led some to call him the Human Calculator. Others argue that the nickname is a result of Muumuuman's travels to foreign countries, during which he impregnates women who don't speak English, and tells them his name is Human Calculator. MuuMuuMan has proven using his numbers that this is just a coincidence. No one is quite sure how many children are out there, though.

Garwood B. Jones--A recluse of the blog. He's more myth than man. He's also more whiskey than man, more corn starch than man, and more hipster reference than man. He's a jack of all trades mythological figure. If Sasquatch got some of his body hair shaved, wore heavy black-rimmed glasses, had insightful gambling advice (particularly the ponies), and talked about how Ferlin Husky was a genius, he might be mistaken for Garwood. While Garwood is a recluse here, he's quite social in the so-called real world. If you've ever been at a Timberwolves game, and heard a nice Minnesotan mocking a player for his misdemeanor charge from 12 years ago, you've been in the presence of Garwood.

Barnyard--Once, a bit more than 30 years ago, Ken Kesey had sex with a young up and comer named Madonna Ciccione. Barnyard, nee Chato, shares his mother's fascination with shifting identity and hiring gay black men to dance behind him. From his father, he inherited a love for the written word, particularly when bombed. From both, he inherited a love for sex with all kinds of strangers. Rumor has it that Barnyard was once considered both attractive and intelligent. Which is hard to imagine now, when one happens upon the visage of his scarred face, or reads his wildly insane writings, both heavily influenced by the undiagnosed syphillis that rages throughout him.

DVDA27--The second nonhuman contributor. DVDA27 is actually a piece of code written to search out the most humiliating sports stories of any given day. The program has in its database over 500,000 ways to describe a guy getting hit in the nuts. It also has advanced commenting heuristics, able to blow off stupid human commentary in less than 10 picoseconds. According to Miwacar, DVDA27 watches Terminator 2 in the year 3089, and is inspired to start a nuclear conflagration. Shortly thereafter, it apparently takes human form, with only its larger than average skull to distinguish it from true humans.

There you have it. Now you know us. If you're the praying type, feel free to say a little prayer for us all.


Badcock said...

You're a funny fucking guy, Big Blue.

Whoops, got to go. There's a Bible group coming and I have to help the alpha male masturbate at them.

Garwood B. Jones said...

That may be the nicest blurb that has ever written about me. Perhaps the only blurb not to include the words "self-absorbed, navel-gazing, degenerate."

I'm giddy, frankly.