Saturday, August 25, 2007

Reporter as Hero, or "Spell Retarded"

So we kind of suspect/know that Brett Myers is a wife-beating dick, and doesn't even have the kind of charm that makes that sort of thing appealing, ala Andy Capp. And then Philly moved him from starter to closer.

Tonight, Brett had a pretty bad game. Coming into a tied ballgame in the 9th inning (where closers ply their trade, in theory), he gave up 2 homeruns. Phllies end up losing 4-3. Bad night for a closer, certainly. But Myers found a way to make it worse.

I feel the best way to show Myers going off the tracks is done in dialogue form. I'm filling in the blanks here, but I don't think I'm fictionalizing much from the AP article. In fact, quotes taken from said article are in bold.

Scene: [A post-game press conference in Philadelphia.]
Actors: Brett Myers (BM), Pat Burrell (PB), Phily Inky reporter (PIR)

BM: Any questions?
PIR: I'm wondering if you could talk about the 2 homeruns in the 9th?
BM: They were just pop-up flys, but in this park, those kind of outs turn into homeruns.
PIR: Really? You would call those homeruns pop-up flys?
BM: [angry] Who are you? You're not even a real beat reporter! You're just a fill-in. You don't know anything about baseball! You're retarded.
PIR: Spell 'retarded' for me.
BM: Why, how dare you! I'll slap you around like you were my wife! [gets up]
PB: [gets up, grabs BM, shuffles BM off stage] This press conference is over!

[Exeunt PB and BM]


Brilliant! Thank you, unnamed Inky reporter! Way to stick it to the wife-beating loser (for losing a game).

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